


One More Time

by wth_am_i_writing



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Choking, M/M, People doing really stupid things that shouldn't be done at home, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Sexual Situations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-24 12:51:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17100923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wth_am_i_writing/pseuds/wth_am_i_writing
Summary: His words were so light and airy, the wind threatened to carry them away.





	One More Time

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on Tumblr on August 8, 2014.
> 
> Original Author’s Note: So this fic is based on the Vocaloid song Rolling Girl. Rolling Girl is one of my absolute favorite songs, and I love singing it even though the notes are so ridiculously high at times. I feel like it’s a powerful song, and honestly it reached out to me on a level which it probably shouldn’t because “rolling” implies drug abuse in english, but I really felt like the song speaks on a deeper level of social outcastes dealing with their pain through escapism in general. The song has a lot of breathing imagery in it, so I decided to go with choking and breath holding. The choking in this fic is not breath play, and is actually closer in nature/purpose to “the choking game”. At first I planned this to be a Neo fic, but I changed my mind and decided to use Ravi instead, and I’m so glad I did. Uhm, anyway! Enjoy?

He was beautiful. Breathtaking. Ravi never thought he would describe a guy with those words, but here he was thinking it everyday as he approached the upperclassman that sat on the hill by the river after classes. N was what he’d told Ravi to call him, giving Ravi absolutely no clues about his real name. The anonymity was attractive, and Ravi had acted in kind. They knew very little about each other’s personal lives, and Ravi liked it like that. They could exist together on that hill without worrying about their regular lives. They never talked much, just sat; N staring into the into the river, into the grass, the dirt, and Ravi staring at N, looking for any hint of what was going on in his head because he seemed so far away.

 

-.-.-.-.-

 

Ravi often wondered if N was on something when they’d sit together on the hill. The deadness in his eyes seemed unnatural, like he was retreating somewhere faraway and wouldn’t respond if called, like he couldn’t hear or see the world around him. So he called out and N turned those dead eyes on him. He asked him if he could try whatever N was on, and N laughed, just once, then turned away again, taking a deep breath as he did so. Ravi felt his stomach fluttering, the fleeting smile on N’s lips more beautiful than he could have imagined.

 

-.-.-.-.-

 

“Choke me.” It had been a simple order, uttered as soon as Ravi had sat down, but it sent his head spinning.

“E-excuse me?”

“Choke me,” N ordered again, looking at Ravi with more clarity than he thought he’d ever seen in N’s eyes before, but he was still far from being all there.

“B-but–” They were out in the open, clearly visible from all angles, and it wasn’t like people didn’t pass by occasionally.

“We’ll go under the bridge if you’re afraid of being seen,” N said, standing up and brushing the grass and dirt from his pants. Ravi found that he couldn’t refuse N, felt like he wasn’t in control of his own body when he followed N under the bridge. N pressed his back to a support pillar and beckoned him over like a dog, and Ravi obeyed, noticing just how N was shorter than him for the first time. He’d always thought they were the same height, had never seen him standing like that to compare.

N took his hands and brought them to his throat, the pads of his fingers surprisingly soft, flesh tanned like butterscotch. Ravi brushed his fingers along N’s skin, admiring the color, just a few shades darker than his, flawless and clear. N swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbed, and Ravi briefly wondered if N tasted as sweet as the candy. His hands slid around N’s neck too easily, fit there too easily. He squeezed, hesitantly, scared, gut wrenched.

“Tighter.” He squeezed tighter, all too conscious of the man under him, of N’s grip on his his wrists, firm and strong. “Do it like I’m doing to your wrists.” Ravi squeezed tighter, tighter, and N’s eyes grew more distant, and he suddenly felt stared through, like the flesh under his hands was caving too easily, like he was squeezing too tight. He let go, tried to step away, but N kept gripping his wrists, stared into his eyes, more there than Ravi had ever seen him before and it was terrifying. N tried to tug him back, tried to bring Ravi’s hands back to his throat, but Ravi resisted, broke away.

“I was almost there,” N gasped in an exhale, suddenly breathing heavily where he hadn’t been before, and it clicked in Ravi’s head that N had been holding his breath.

“I-I got scared,” Ravi spilled out lamely, feeling his hands shaking.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you to do that,” N apologized, gaze diverting. Ravi felt his stomach sink, couldn’t stop himself when he reached out and cupped N’s jaw, when he forced the man that was so obviously a few years older than him to look up into his eyes.

“No. It’s ok,” Ravi reassured him. N made some sort of grunt, bringing his hands back up to Ravi’s wrists. He held his breath and Ravi’s gaze and Ravi’s wrists, and Ravi was content to hold it all back, to watch as N’s eyes grew more distant, as his face started to turn pink and his knees weakened. Ravi was more than content to hold the gaze, even when N was staring through him and his breaths were short and shallow and almost imperceivable. He wondered what N thought about when his gaze became so glassy.

 

-.-.-.-.-

 

N was covered in bruises and bandages, the ugly blemishes fresh and glaring. Ravi sat next to him quietly, counting the other’s breaths. Glassy gaze, busted lip, black eye, barely moving chest. The injuries worried Ravi, so he broke their unspoken rule and asked if he was having problems at school.

“No problems.” The words came out so sweetly, breathy and airy as if they were carried there on the wind, and were accompanied by a faint smile. They were carried off by the breeze, the smile flying away with it, and N went back to holding his breath. Ravi didn’t believe him.

 

-.-.-.-.-

 

The bruises and cuts healed, and N asked Ravi to choke him again. Pressing the older man against the bridge’s support pillar felt perverse, but wrapping his hands around N’s neck felt sickly natural. It was as if his hands were made to squeeze N’s neck, and squeeze he did, tighter and tighter. When he got scared and tried to pull away, N held him in place and he kept squeezing until until N’s grip in his hands loosened and his eyes stared through him. Ravi decided N was beautiful when he was getting choked.

 

-.-.-.-.-

 

They went to different schools. Ravi knew what school N went to but they never talked about classes or school or about much of anything. They only ever saw each on that hill by the river. So it was a surprise when Ravi saw N at McDonald’s with a group of seven others, mixed company, three girls and four guys. He was laughing, loud and full, eyes almost fully closed. He fanned himself and jokingly hit the person next to him before dissolving into laughter again, slumping down on the table and pushing his tray of food away. When he finally regained his composure and looked up, Ravi felt like his breath had been stolen away. N was so full of life, so beautiful, and Ravi wondered how the man at that table could be the same one that sat on the hill by the river with those captivating glassy eyes.

 

-.-.-.-.-

 

“Why do you hold your breath?” Ravi asked one day after the weather started to turn chilly.

“The world’s more pretty in shades of gray.” The words were airy and caught on the breeze. N lifted his hand up as if he were reaching out to catch them but ended up staring through his hand instead. “Ravi, please choke me.”

 

-.-.-.-.-

 

N disappeared for three days and when he showed up on the hill again, his arm was in a sling and his lip was busted again. Ravi asked him if he was having problems at school, scared. N’s words were lost on the breeze, but Ravi could make out what he’d said from his lips: “No problems.”

 

-.-.-.-.-

 

“I’m graduating in the spring,” N murmured one day when the wind wasn’t blowing to steal his words away. The admission made Ravi feel hollow inside.

 

-.-.-.-.-

 

“We should stop doing this,” Ravi stuttered nervously, hands wrapping around N’s neck.

“Just one more time,” N begged. “Just one more time.” And Ravi couldn’t say no, so he squeezed. “Tighter.” The words were wisps, fleeting, but Ravi squeezed tighter and N almost passed out, but for the first time in a long while, a smile flit across N’s lips.

 

-.-.-.-.-

 

“One more time.” A weak promise. Ravi knew that it wouldn’t end, that it it wouldn’t be the last time. It’d become a mantra, a plead. He couldn’t deny N, even if he’d choked N more times than he could count anymore. Ravi could see his breath in the winter air, making him all the more conscious of the oxygen he was depriving N of. When a puff of smoke like air finally passed N’s lips, Ravi was overcome with the desire to steal that air away.

N’s lips were soft, cold, responsive. His hands gripped Ravi’s wrists as tightly as he could. It felt wrong and right at the same time, made his head spin. When he started to pull away, N’s arms circled his shoulders and pulled him in closer, closer, closer, until they were flush against each other. Ravi forgot to breath, felt overwhelmed, pulled away panting.

“One more time,” N begged breathily, eyes half lidded and fully there. Ravi couldn’t say no.

 

-.-.-.-.-

 

“You shouldn’t,” Ravi gasped, pulling away from N’s lips as the other’s hand slipped past his waist band.

“It’s ok,” N reassured him, fingers seeking out the growing hardness in Ravi’s pants. “It’s ok.” He crashed their lips together, stealing Ravi’s breath away with a kiss and strong fingers, and Ravi thought he might see what N did in choking. “Touch mine too,” N begged, and Ravi couldn’t think of anything he wanted to do more in that moment.

 

-.-.-.-.-

 

Some days they never uttered a single word, just sat and stared, breath like exhales of cigarette smoke in the frigid air, fingers turning numb as they sat in the snow. Those days, N was glassy eyed and faraway, pale from the cold, lips almost colorless. He looked beautiful as always, but Ravi found himself missing the warmth his skin held in summer, found himself wanting to kiss the color back into his face, but they rarely ever touched on those days, so Ravi just counted N’s breaths.

 

-.-.-.-.-

 

“Are you ready to graduate?” Ravi asked in the new year, the subject gnawing at his mind for the last several weeks.

“Not really.”

“It’s not that far away now…” And Ravi would be lonely again.

“Ravi, choke me? Just one more time.”

 

-.-.-.-.-

 

Ravi didn’t have many friends. For whatever reason, it’d been difficult for him, and the only person he’d been any sorts of close with had transferred overseas to study. Sitting with N on the hill in front of the river was the closest thing he got to proper socialization everyday, as fucked up as things were between them. He was alone all the time, at home and at school. For whatever reason, he never felt alone on the hill with N.

But N seemed to have dozens of friends, knew more people than Ravi thought he could count. It wasn’t like Ravi was trying to be a stalker, but he’d run into N several times when he’d gone out alone to shop or see movies on the weekends. He always seemed to be with new people, talkative, smiley, full of aegyo. It was surreal, and Ravi wondered how they could be the same person, wondered what could be going on with N that turned him into the quiet, glassy eyed man that asked to be choked.

 

-.-.-.-.-

 

“I could almost see something,” N breathed with a shaky smile when Ravi let up on his throat.

“What were you almost able to see?”

“The future.” N’s eyes were still far away with the words, so Ravi kissed him and stole his breath away, pinned him against the support column, rocked their hips together until N’s hands slipped from his wrists to around his neck.

 

-.-.-.-.-

 

“More,” N gasped, “More, I want more,” he pleaded with his hands buried in Ravi’s hair, Ravi’s lips on his throat kissing the bruises he’d renewed what seemed like a hundred times over.

“If I go any farther… It’s too cold out here,” Ravi protested weakly.

“Let’s do something stupid.” Ravi pulled back and stared at N with wide eyes. N had suggested it as if choking him in a semi-visible place almost everyday already wasn’t something incredibly stupid, but Ravi didn’t think he could say no, especially when N dragged him to a love hotel and paid for the room.

N was more experienced than Ravi had thought, and certainly more experienced than Ravi. His fingers and lips turned Ravi to putty, made it hard to breathe. Somehow he’d ended up on his stomach with N on top of him, inside of him, and though it hurt, he loved the feeling of N’s breath on the back of his shoulder, sharp and warm. They laid together in the aftermath sweat sticky and languid, touching, kissing. Ravi hadn’t cum, but he didn’t really care because he got to see all of N naked, got to touch his butterscotch skin and taste his butterscotch lips.

“You’re beautiful,” Ravi confessed for the first time since he’d laid eyes on N.

“I’m not,” N brushed off, wrapping his hands around Ravi’s waist and rolling them so Ravi laid on top of him.

“You are,” Ravi repeated, kissing him. “Your eyes, your smile, your skin, your fingers, your toes, they’re beautiful.”

“I wish I were as white as as the snow,” N breathed, parting his legs so Ravi could more comfortably lay on top him. “Or even just the same color as you.”

“I like your skin the way it is. It’s pretty like butterscotch.” Silence for several minutes; N’s chest barely moved.

“Choke me? Just one more time?” Ravi couldn’t refuse, felt oddly sick when N’s flushed, choking appearance turned him on again. When N was gasping under him, regaining his breath, Ravi asked if he could try sticking it in. Rather than with words, N answered by shoving a condom and lube at Ravi’s chest, half-lidded eyes almost fully there and agreeing. They had more than an hour left in the room, and N’s ass was so much easier to open up than Ravi’s had been. They fucked face to face, and Ravi decided that N was beautiful during sex too.

 

-.-.-.-.-

 

“When I was thirteen, I drank bleach. I had this desperate hope that if I did, it could lighten me from the inside out,” N murmured staring up at his hand as they laid on a hotel bed, naked and sweaty. N was rather lucid at the moment. The words had been out of no where, but it felt like the most substantial conversation they’d ever had. The confession made Ravi’s stomach flip. “It was a mistake. I got really sick and after that, I wasn’t allowed anywhere near the washing machine. My mom asked how such a smart kid could do something so stupid, but all I do are stupid things.”

“Everyone does stupid things,” Ravi tried to comfort, but it came out more like a grumble. N took a deep breath and held it for just over a minute before slowly letting it out. His eyes slipped a little farther away, but he kept talking, and Ravi thought the sound on his voice was nice to listen to.

“I bought my first bottle of skin bleach when I was fifteen, and when that bottle ran out, I switched to a lotion that was more gentle on my skin. It never seemed like enough, never stopped the comments.” Ravi ran his fingers over N’s hip bones, unable to properly voice just how much he loved N’s butterscotch skin.

“I get picked on for my name,” Ravi admitted, feeling like it was only fair to spill a secret back. “From the time I was little until now, it hasn’t really gotten better. I wish my parents had picked something else.”

“What’s your real name?” N stared at Ravi with raw, curious eyes, and it made him shrink back. He wasn’t used to that from N at all.

“Only if you tell me yours first.” N laughed once and turned to look back up at the ceiling, his expression falling away. He didn’t breathe for a minute. He let the breath out slowly and breathed in deeply.

“Ravi, choke me? Just one more time, and I might be able to see it this time.” Ravi searched N’s face for a few seconds before rolling over on top of N, straddling his hips and fitting his hands on his neck. N squeezed his wrists as Ravi squeezed N’s throat. Distant glassy eyes. The talkative N would probably disappear when he let go, and something in the pit of Ravi’s stomach was sad about that. When N’s grip began to loosen, Ravi let go, leaning down to catch N’s exhale in his mouth and pulling up just seconds later. He dipped back down when N’s breathing started to grow more even, catching N’s lips again and murmuring how much he loved N’s skin, how beautiful he was.

 

-.-.-.-.-

 

“This will be the last time, I promise,” N murmured, taking Ravi’s wrists. Ravi’s stomach was rolling anxiously, not liking the finality in those words. N had come on crutches and fresh bruises were blooming on his skin like flowers were starting to bloom around town.

“Are you ready to graduate?” Ravi asked as he covered the set of bruises that he’d left on N over and over again, the bruises that seemed to never heal.

“Not quite yet,” N breathed, the words almost disappearing in the wind. Ravi searched N’s face, searched his glassy eyes, biting his lips, more scared than he was the first time N had asked him to choke him. N squeezed Ravi’s wrists, and Ravi squeezed N’s throat, holding N’s gaze. Thirty seconds, a minute, a minute and fifteen, a minute twenty-five. Ravi was getting scared, but he didn’t let up. A minute thirty-five, a minute forty-eight, two minutes and three, two minutes and eight. N’s grip weakened and Ravi immediately let go, immediately moving to catch N before he could collapse. He was limp, gasping, and it took several minutes for N to recover.

“D-did you see what you were looking for?” N didn’t respond, just clinged weakly to Ravi. “You ok?” Ravi asked carefully, sinking down to the ground, cradling N in his arms.

“I think I’m ready now,” N breathed, still choked, words airy but heavy enough that they weren’t carried off by the wind.

“W-what?” he stuttered, fighting to hold N against him as the older man pulled away.

“I’m going to leave,” N continued, looking into Ravi’s eyes with a clarity that made Ravi want to vomit. “I’ll go to the city and dance, be a piss-ass poor and starving artist. It’s a shitty life, a stupid move, I know–” Tears welled up in N’s eyes and he leaned back against Ravi’s shoulder. Ravi was frightened, so frightened, because he’d never seen N cry once in the entire time he’d known him. “–but I can’t keep on like this. Doing what my parents and everyone else wants me to do is gonna kill me.”

“So you’re–” Ravi paused to swallow the lump in his throat. “You’re going to leave?”

“Leave everything.”

“So I won’t see you again?” Ravi breathed out. “You’re leaving me?” He was sure his words were carried off by the wind, but N heard them, nuzzled into his neck and gripped his shirt. N pulled back, tear tracks streaking his cheeks, and for a second Ravi found himself thinking that N was beautiful when he cried. He crashed his lips to N’s, didn’t want to let him go at all, didn’t want to lose the reason he bothered to get out of bed and go to class everyday. N gently pushed Ravi away, looking him in the eye.

“When do you graduate?” he asked, words firm and rooted.

“Two more years,” Ravi answered, words faint and floating away. N brought his hands up to cup Ravi’s cheeks, eyes sad and lips trembling, and that certainly didn’t look like a good sign to Ravi. N leaned in, lips parting, and Ravi prepared himself for what might be their last kiss.

“Cha Hakyeon,” N said, closing the words off on Ravi’s lips, which Ravi immediately reciprocated. “That’s my name,” N breathed onto Ravi’s lips, kissing him again. “Cha Hakyeon. Come find me when you graduate.”

“W-wonsik,” Ravi rushed out, chasing after N’s lips as he pulled back. “My name’s Kim Wonsik.” N laughed once and kissed him.

“Wonsik, I like it. Wonsik. It suits you.”


End file.
